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By Sam. Posted in Humour, Sports Gossip | 68 Comments »
By Sam. Posted in Humour, Sports Gossip | 68 Comments »
We want your England football jokes after being humiliated by Germany in the 2010 world cup can we get any lower?
We all know that England are the most hopeless team in the World. However in the same way that the French are brilliant at revolutions, we in England are the best at laughing at ourselves. (UPDATE new England jokes in comments section below)
Send us your England World Cup Jokes, John Terry Jokes, Wayne Rooney Jokes, Steven Gerrard Jokes – Actually we want to hear all Football jokes!
England Football Jokes
- What’s the difference between the England World Cup team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
- News Flash: Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival 2010 by blokes too embarrassed to wear their England world cup shirt
- I’m shocked at Wayne Rooney’s outburst after the Algeria World Cup game. Who knew he could even string a sentence together!
- Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied, “No way. You got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”
- What do you call an Englishman in the last 16 of the 2010 World Cup? A referee.
- What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
- Six hours of football and Robert Green is still England’s top scorer.
- I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian
- What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
- Apparently the fan after the Algeria game had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
John Terry is everyone’s favourite footballer – splutter. Want to hear some jokes about our Captain click here: John Terry Jokes
Give us your England Football jokes. See below to vote. We need more John Terry Jokes.
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June 27th, 2010 at 18:57
Ive just won two tickets to see the England team, want to come with me?
We,ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.
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June 27th, 2010 at 19:53
WARNING!! Severe Weather Warning
The north of England will experience severe flooding over the next 24 hours. This is due to the whole of Scotland pissing themselves laughing
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June 27th, 2010 at 20:36
david blane is said to be gutted after his record for doing fuck all in a box for 42 days has been broken by wayne rooney
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June 27th, 2010 at 20:36
Missing persons report. Have you seen Wayne Rooney, description: lazy fat c*nt. Went missing in southern Africa 2 weeks ago.
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June 27th, 2010 at 20:37
Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival by blokes too embarrassed to wear their England shirt
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June 27th, 2010 at 22:55
Apparently the
highlights of the England match is going to be shown on GayTV. Its the
only station that allows you to watch 11 arseholes getting hammered.
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June 27th, 2010 at 23:16
Breaking news: the BBC have cancled tonights highlights of the England game and replaced them with a film ” Out Of Africa”
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June 27th, 2010 at 23:32
I’ll give you an England World Cup Joke 2010. In fact I’ll give you eleven England jokes:
England (4-4-2): David James; Glenn Johnson, Matthew Upson, John Terry, Ashley Cole; James Milner, Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Stephen Gerrard; Wayne Rooney, Jermaine Defoe
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June 27th, 2010 at 23:50
What’s the difference between England and Football.
England’s coming home.
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June 28th, 2010 at 00:13
I feel sorry for england, but look at the bright side.
Well, there is no bright side.
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June 28th, 2010 at 10:52
1966 was a one night stand. The World Cup didn’t enjoy it so won’t be coming back.
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June 28th, 2010 at 16:11
During training at the England camp, Steven Gerrard over hears Fabio Capello talking to Wayne Rooney.
He hears Fabio saying to Rooney…
Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
Gerrard can’t take this anymore, and asks “Fabio what’s going on, even Sven waited till after the Tournament before he boasted about his sexual conquests…..”
“Hey, coola down Gerrard”, Fabio said. “Who talkin’ abouta sexual conquests? I’m a
justa tellin’ Rooney how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘!”
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June 28th, 2010 at 17:33
Police have found a drowned man in the river. He was wearing an England Shirt, suspenders and stockings. His d–k was stuck up a blow up doll and he had a Vibrator stuck up his arse. The Police have removed his England shirt to save any embarresment to his family.
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June 28th, 2010 at 18:38
Tickets to south africa – £400
Tickets to the world cup £500
Watching England getting kicked out – Priceless
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June 28th, 2010 at 18:40
I have just heard that the england football team have a appointed a new coach – Its called “National Express” leaving from Heathrow tomorrow…..
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June 28th, 2010 at 19:04
ROB GREEN – only man to go to South Africa and not catch anything
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June 28th, 2010 at 21:32
The met office have issued a severe weather warning.
Apparently within the next 24 hours a shower of shite is on it’s way from south africa.
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June 28th, 2010 at 22:10
The England plane home has been diverted to Glasgow, so the team can arrive to a heroes welcome.
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June 29th, 2010 at 00:32
in the jungle , the african jungle, 3 lions sleep tonite , because in the morning, the early morning, they have to catch a flight. no win away, no win away, no win away, no win away
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June 29th, 2010 at 09:18
BREAKING NEWS..THE ENGLISH ARE GOING TO REMOVE THE RED PART OF THE ST GEORGE FLAG AND JUST WAVE THE REST OF IT
ALBA GU BRATH
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June 29th, 2010 at 09:18
The Scottish FA have suggested that perhaps in future England and Scotland could field a joint team.
The English FA responded “We are completely rubbish. But not that rubbish”.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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June 29th, 2010 at 11:10
One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: ‘Hello – is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?’ (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)
Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: ‘England will win the 2014 World Cup’. ‘ Thank God!’ said Snow White, ‘at least Dopey’s still alive!’
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June 29th, 2010 at 13:36
At a recent press conference Fabio was asked he would be will to try 4-4-2, to which he replied that he much prefers 7-4-7 as they a lot more comfortable with more leg room!!!
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June 29th, 2010 at 15:02
I just bought a robert green condom. Extra slippery and you’re guarenteed not to catch anything.
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June 29th, 2010 at 20:31
Knorr have realeased a special edition red and white stock cube to celebrate England’S world cup campaign Its called THE LAUGHING STOCK
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June 29th, 2010 at 20:53
When Capello told the team they were going to try some new tactics Wayne Rooney asked if he could still have the mint flavoured ones!
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June 29th, 2010 at 20:54
Police reported that hundreds of England fans tried to climb over the stadium walls at half time……………. but they were caught and made to stay and watch the second half!
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June 29th, 2010 at 20:55
For ten minutes against Algeria England looked favourites to win ………then the match started!
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June 29th, 2010 at 20:58
The England squad visited an orphanange in South Africa,
‘It’s so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly struggling and facing insurmountable odds,’ said Shiphiwe Modese, aged six.”
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June 29th, 2010 at 21:00
Why complain about the constant droning of the vuvuzelas?
It’s nothing new….we’ve had to listen to the constant droning of Alan Hansen for years!
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June 29th, 2010 at 21:04
SPECIAL OFFER,
Open top bus tour of London, Lots of free seats now available!
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June 29th, 2010 at 22:15
The England team have visited an orphanage in South Africa. “It`s so nice to see people who have no hope at all smile”…said Joshua Ombongo aged 6.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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June 29th, 2010 at 22:20
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to FIFA it didn’t!
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June 30th, 2010 at 00:35
My computer got the rob-green Virus yesterday. Now it cant save anything
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June 30th, 2010 at 00:37
England and USA are to meet again on monday morning. at Johannesburg airport
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June 30th, 2010 at 00:38
What did the boy do when england won the world cup? turned off the play station.
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June 30th, 2010 at 08:15
The England players were arrested when they arrived at Heathrow and charged with impersonating a football team.
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June 30th, 2010 at 08:29
Marks & Spencer has released an England World Cup 2010 bra. It has plenty of support but no cups
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June 30th, 2010 at 11:09
The England team have been asked to play a friendly game of football against Iceland.If they win they get to play Tescos and Sainsburys.
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June 30th, 2010 at 12:23
To only draw against a team of no hopers with no team spirit or desire is disgraceful – I am appalled to call myself Algerian
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June 30th, 2010 at 20:52
Capello has cancelled the friendly with Iceland thinking it may now be too difficult. The team will play the staff from Dorothy Perkins instead.
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June 30th, 2010 at 20:55
The state of the country has been called into question after an elderly man had several shots fired at him while several bystanders stood by and did nothing, The man David James from Portsmouth ……..
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June 30th, 2010 at 21:40
Just heard that the England squad have turned down a £17mil sponsorship deal with a national pet food company.
Apparently they thought having ‘Winalot’ on their shirts was a bit too much.
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July 1st, 2010 at 14:44
Whats the difference between England and Cinderella?
Cinderella actually wanted to get to the ball
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July 1st, 2010 at 14:46
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 2nd, 2010 at 20:09
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
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July 5th, 2010 at 10:16
Good news after Emile Heskeys terrible performance for England it is great that he can bounce back quickly and win womens wimbledon !!!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 8th, 2010 at 04:50
John Terry said: “The whole defence is behind Rob Green.” With hindsight, that’s a good place to stand
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July 8th, 2010 at 04:50
Why is Robert Green like ITV High Definition? They both switch off at the crucial moment
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July 8th, 2010 at 08:14
The FA has decided that the three lions on the England shirt will be replaced by three tampons. This is because they’re having the worst period in footballing history.
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:09
this year a record number of English people took time off work during the World Cup. Unfortunately this included Wayne Rooney
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:12
News Of The world: 32% of people polled think Wayne Rooney was to blame for england’s world cup exit.
The other 68% didn’t know he was in the squad.
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:15
Carlsberg don’t do world cup winners.
So they sponsor the england team instead.
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:18
So England are out of the world cup… but on the plus side; mars bars are half price!
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:22
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:28
England winning the world cup?
There’s more chance of the DFS sale ending..
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:31
I hate the way people are saying England are doing crap in the world cup.
I think they have been consistent
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 10th, 2010 at 14:05
After constant jeers by the crowd the FA have now discovered that the England team at the World Cup 2010 was indeed “Scotland in disguise”
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 12th, 2010 at 03:04
Speaking about the pressure of goalkeeping in a World Cup Rob Green has let slip that he couldn’t handle it.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 13th, 2010 at 21:09
Bought a load of England stuff today. A wig, big flags (cheaper than wallpaper or paint), stickers, Wayne Rooney’s head on a stick. All 10p each.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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July 14th, 2010 at 22:45
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July 15th, 2010 at 00:53
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July 22nd, 2010 at 23:20
Teacher asks the kids in her class what their daddies do for a living. One says “he’s a plumber”, another says “he’s a fireman”. And they all answer in turn “he’s a doctor”, “he’s a bank manager”, “he’s a mechanic”, etc. until one little boy says “my daddy works in a gay bar as a stripper, if he gets a good tip he shows them everything, if he gets a really good tip he goes into the back room with them and stays all night. Then he comes home at 8 o’clock and goes to bed. The teacher is horrified and hastily changes the subject. After the class she takes the boy to one side and asks “Does your daddy REALLY do that?” “Naa,” the little boy replied. “He plays for England really, but I was too embarrased to say.”
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July 24th, 2010 at 20:17
Breaking News…….
A group of terrorists have stormed the England team’s coach and taken everyone hostage. They say that unless their demands are met they will release one player every hour.
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August 3rd, 2010 at 10:35
fabio went up to this ginger kid and asked if he wanted to play for england , the ginger kid said no i already get bullied enough for being ginger
Hot debate. What do you think?
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August 8th, 2010 at 00:07
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November 24th, 2010 at 11:15
Capello has sighed a new player,
in training he goes to him and picks up the ball ans says”ball, kick, score”
he repeats this everyday untill one day the new player says ”i know what to do, i speak english”
Capello replies ” i werent talking to you i was talking to heskey!”
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March 22nd, 2011 at 14:15
[...] you about disappointment (e.g. supporting England in the World Cup as covered here, here and here for example). In the ten minutes I queued for my bus the fans in front dissected the game along the [...]
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